


BART la BART

by epochryphal, mxfictiondaydreamer



Series: Kink la Crack [2]
Category: Kill la Kill, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann
Genre: Bay Area Rapid Transit, Crack, F/F, Fetish, Gen, Gross, Humor, M/M, Post-Canon, San Francisco Bay Area, Spaceships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-16 11:13:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2267589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epochryphal/pseuds/epochryphal, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxfictiondaydreamer/pseuds/mxfictiondaydreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>KLK. TTGL. BART. Shaken, not stirred.</p>
            </blockquote>





	BART la BART

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically a raw, unfiltered giggle-fit from 2-5am. Dear god why

Once upon a time, the Elite Four were on fucking BART.

It was hell.

The trip was taking for fucking ever. What the shit. It was one of those old cars that smelled like year-old soda and urine and probably farts. There were squalling babies and hipsters with ginormous fixies poking everywhere. Some douchefuck was drinking the foulest smelling cheapo beer in the corner.

As stated, it was hell.

"This is hell," muttered Nonon.

"Yeh," crunched Uzu, chip pieces spitting out of his mouth. A perfect pink eyebrow twitched and a tiny elbow jammed into a monkey-crotch. "GUH!!!"

"Thank you," deadpanned Inu, fingers flying on his Android touchscreen. His face was lit up blue like always, even with the screen an actual foot from his face. Nonon suspected he lined his collar with fucking LEDs. Diva.

"Agreed," thundered Gamagoori. "Chewing with one's mouth closed is the foundation of modern etiquette and societal stability. Additionally," his voice crescendoed as he slapped a platter-sized hand against a wall poster, "it is contrary to the rules of this fine establishment to consume nourishment while on the premises, likely due to cleanliness hazards."

"Cleanliness." Nonon crossed her toothpick arms and looked pointedly over her shoulder at the man urinating onto a handrail. "Yeah."

"Amateur," said Inu, pushing up his glasses.

No one asked him to clarify.

Just then, over the groaning and rolling on the floor of one Sanageyama, the BART intercom activated.

"May I have your attention please." The nasal, droning, April Ludgate-esque voice was dripping with disinterest and pure boredom. "Due to an unscheduled interruption, this train will be deviating from its projected course. Please vacate the spaces between cars, have a seat, and hold on. This ride may become turbulent."

"There are not enough seats for us to sit," worried Gamagoori. "Please, secure your grips on the—"

EXPLOSIONS wracked the train, jolting the urinator into his piss-pole. The standing Elite Four watched Uzu's uncontrolled roll across the cab, and as he slammed into the public pisser, Nonon cheered "STRIKE!"

"That was a 3.1, wouldn't you say," remarked a calm passenger, sipping tea with her pinky out.

"Duuuude," agreed her companion.

Even the calmest BART passengers were jolted awake as the cars fused together with a horrible squeak of a million fingernails on ten thousand chalkboards. 

"They really need to fix those brakes!" exclaimed the tea-drinker as she dropped her tea to cover her ears. Her companion started singing Basketcase by Green Day at the top of his lungs in a desperate attempt to drown out the sound.

The Elite Four struggled to cover their ears for both the squeaking and the singing. "Fuck this guy!" said Nonon. Gamagoori didn't even bother to remind her of etiquette.

Civilians screamed as the gravity shifted backwards and heavy. They looked outside the window and there were fucking clouds everywhere. Protruding from their center car on either side were a pair of the ugliest, most ungainly metallic wings ever dreamed in the nightmares of NASA scientists from the 1970's.

"…Inu." Nonon's voice was sharp.

"Analysis already complete." He paused for dramatic effect, and smirked when Nonon's foot started tapping impatiently. "It's badass."

"Hell YEAH it's badass!" came Uzu's voice from the corner, where he was fucking the piss-pole dude.

The hipster spilled his beer all over his crotch. "Aw man, it looks like I took a piss." Uzu perked up in his direction and gave him a wink and a gun hand.

"Aw man, I can't believe Uzu's fucking the piss-pole."

"GUY!" came Uzu's voice. "The piss-pole GUY."

"Same difference. Like you haven't fucked a pole."

"Thesaurus.com: 'pole' results…"

"Let us stay on task," Gamagoori boomed with a blush and a fist. "I believe we were asking for identifying information and appropriate response protocols, Inumuta," he said gravely, glancing out the window. Everything was becoming smaller, all the trees and buildings and shit.

"I told you," Inu explained. "It's BADASS: Bay Area Defense Attack Space Snake."

"I have had it with this motherfucking snake of a motherfucking train," remarked an agitated commuter.

"It is hardly the most efficient train to transform into a rocket," observed Inu.

"Got that right," complained Nonon. "They built this thing while the BeeGees were still on the radio."

All of a sudden, a large white monster appeared in the black glimmer of space. "It's…no……" exclaimed the passengers in abject horror.

The Hollywood sign.

"Dastardly SoCal bastards!" shouted the piss-pole guy with a fist in the air.

"In the name of the San Francisco line, surrender and retreat!" BADASS shouted at the top of its…lungs?

"Which one?" quipped the Hollywood sign. Its voice sounded just like the announcer in all those million previews. It's the same fucking guy!

"I come from the San Francisco Pittsburg Bay Point line, but I represent all BART lines!" BADASS announced proudly.

"Go back to the 24, tree hugger!"

The passengers collectively gasped at the use of the definitive article to refer to a freeway.

"Unhand the Bay Area, you fake bleached fiend!" roared BADASS.

"Oh shit," said Nonon.

"NEVER!" yelled the terrifying Hollywood sign.

"You've been warned!" shouted BADASS before shooting thousands of blue laser beams from its cold hard body. BADASS shook like a 7.1 earthquake.

"We need DTR!" said Gamagoori.

"What good would it do here? It's not space-worthy. Also, we're inside a giant metal snake!" Inu yelled.

All went silent as…uh…fuck.

Everyone's heads snapped to the right window where a long cylindrical space robot with a pointy tip and two oval space rockets appeared out of nowhere.

"Passengers please stay calm. We are experiencing some technical difficulties. BART engineers are working to resolve the issue," nased the voice.

"Is that seriously a giant space dick," said Nonon with an exasperated sigh.

"With a face on the dick," commented Inu as he took notes on his Android. "Plus pointy space glasses."

"How obSCEEEENE!" bellowed Gamagoori, outraged.

"I'm gonna fuck the space dick!" Uzu cheered.

"Don't fuck the space dick!" all other three shouted in unison along with the entire car.

"What community fuckery is this?!" yelled the Hollywood sign.

"I come in peace," announced the space dick, "Unhand the filthy 70s space snake and retreat back whence you came!"

"What's your game? Why are you defending this 500-foot trash can?" demanded the sign.

"We are defenders of all phallic space objects!" replied the space dick.

"Very well. Prepare to meet your doom!" threatened the Hollywood sign as it spewed loud fuchsia and emerald lasers into the space dick and BADASS.

"Ah, multi-tasking," said the tea drinker.

"Duuude," said her companion.

"Passengers, please remain seated," said the disaffected BART operator.

The space dick emitted a large white cosmic ray directly at the Hollywood sign, which BADASS complemented with its own blue laser beam of Bay-themed death. The Hollywood sign burst into space flames and turned into confetti.

The passengers cheered as their nemesis exploded.

"Thanks, space dick!" BADASS cheered. "Let's go down to earth!"

"Call me PENIS!" called the space dick.

The space dick and BADASS slowly lowered themselves back to earf.

Once back on the BART tracks, BADASS retracted its wings and turned into a normal snake again. I mean train.

The space dick, which was now an earth dick, seated itself on top of the parking structure, crunching several cars, as there was no parking.

A great steam wafted forth from the space dick. A side door opened. They were all side doors. Out came a trio of passengers: Kamina, Yoko, and Simon.

"Oh heyyy! It's Gurren Lagann!" cheered some passenger with a laptop and gravity-defying hair.

The trio made their way over to BART, which wasn't badass anymore, and as the doors opened, joined the passengers for a celebratory dance party. "Thanks, space dick drivers!" said piss-pole guy. He and Kamina high-fived. "You might wanna wash that," said Inu.

"Wow, it stinks in here," commented Simon with a wrinkled nose. His eyes fell upon the PBR-soaked crotch of an unfortunate hipster, and he made his way over to the man's side. "You know, I used to be scared enough to wet myself, too, before I learned courage and the value of hard work and guts…" Gamagoori inched closer, arms crossed and nodding his head solemnly.

Yoko was wending her way through the crowd, skillfully dodging wide-eyed civilians and heading towards Nonon's carefully chosen patch of less-filth.

"Duuuuuuuuuude."

"Hi there," said Yoko to Nonon, ignoring every single dude present. She offered a hand. "I'm Yoko Littner. It's nice to meet a comrade."

"Nonon Jakuzure," the slight girl replied, shaking hands.

"Wow, you have the tiniest hands I've ever seen! I bet you could fit both up my vagina!"

Nonon's right eye twitched twice, and the corner of her mouth quirked up into a smirk. "Is that a challenge..?"

"Know any hotels around here?" Yoko paused, then clarified: "Any _clean_ ones?"

"Fuck if I know," Nonon answered. "Let's just blow this joint. As un-literally as possible."

As the ladies exited, a fight erupted in the background. The last thing they could was someone yelling, "Your fucking space glasses poked me in the anus!"


End file.
